1. Which ironic t-shirt best respresents your band:
a) Richard M. Nixon High Wrestling Squad 1972
b) “Yo quiero Taco Bell” Chihuahua
c) a wolf with looming moon graphic
d) anything Star Wars related
e) ¾ shirt for any of the following: Sabbath, AC/DC, Van Halen, the Crüe, or G N’ fuckin’ R
2. You see a turtle lying on its back in the hot sun. It cannot turn itself over. It will die if you do not turn it over. You will:
a) get a sixer of Pabst and wait until that sucker gets good and crispy, then add salsa
b) write a first-person narrative poem (from the turtle’s POV) about its dying minutes
c) take photographs, use later for album cover art
d) turn turtle over, find nearby water source to rehydrate it, meanwhile place call through to animal welfare services, and disappear before the media arrives
e) pull a gun, blow away interviewer, flee on foot
3. When not in the tour bus your mode of transportation is:
a) subway
b) a fixie – but you had one before everyone else
c) a fixie – but your day job is bike courier
d) skateboard – a real one, not a long board or something old school
e) ’94 Toyota Corolla – the same car you saved up all summer for when you were sixteen
4. You go to American Apparel to:
a) purchase unitards
b) purchase hoodies one size too small
c) get the latest copy of Vice, but not to actually buy something
d) scope the girls that work there, masturbate in change room
e) why the fuck would I go to that fuckin’ shop? To leave behind a nail bomb, maybe
5. The show you are waiting all summer for is:
a) Animal Collective in Central Park
b) An all day event at Mcarren Pool headlined by Interpol
c) Joanna Newsom at the Bowery Ballroom
d) Iron Maiden with Slayer opening, Giants Stadium, Jersey
e) Just this band – you probably don’t know them – at this bar – you probably don’t know it
6) Your ideal girlfriend is:
a) Parker Posey
b) Sasha Grey
c) Samantha Ronson
d) A Zac Effron look-a-like
e) This girl who works at the library. I’ve seen her around campus, but everytime I go to say something to her I freeze and feel like I am going to piss my pants (which is why I am on anti-anxiety medication)
7) You ultimate ambition would be:
a) get a record deal – five albums, bitch – decide to stay in LA after going there to work with Spike Jonze on your next video
b) play Glastonbury, have everyone talk about how Radiohead won’t make the mistake of having you open for them again because you tore them a new one, then fade into obscurity, dwelling on a farm up state
c) pay off student debt
d) car, kids, Conneticut
e) don’t know, just see what happens
Congratulations – You are a Brooklyn band that is not washed in cliché. You are nostalgic, but not referential or derivative; keepsakes mean something to you because they embody an ideal. In a perfect world you will find a soul mate who will read you your favourite books while you fall asleep, preferably by a campfire. Don’t lose sight.
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